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The Love Lizard's Adult Jokes Page

Here are a selection of the Love Lizard's favorite adult jokes if you think you have a funnier joke (impossible) please e-mail it to the Love Lizard and we will add it to the page.


Fancy Dress?

A young man turned up to a fancy dress party with a condom fixed to his nose, he knocks on the door and after a short while the hostess answers the door "what have you come as" she inquires.........."Fucknose" came his reply.


The Bucket

A middle aged woman visits a sex shop for the very first time in her life, she meekly walks over to the male assistant who is knelt down stocking the shelves and mutters "vibrators, I need a vibrator" the sales assistant stops what he's doing and stands up "what type are you after" he inquires, "oh I don't know, something quite large I think" he leads her over to a display of large vibrators and asks "is there any here that you fancy" to which she replies "yes I'll have that tartan one on the top shelve", the assistant looks up to see which model she has chosen, "you stupid cow" he exclaims "that's my bloody Thermos flask".


The Koala

A little koala bear wanders into a brothel. He climbs the stairs and finds an open door. He enters the room to find a naked prostitute asleep on the bed. He quickly climbs under the bed covers and begins performing oral sex on the prostitute.

She wakes up and decides that since it feels so good she'll let him finish. The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for the door. The prostitute jumps up and yells at him "Hey, you'll have to pay for that". The koala shrugs his shoulders and continues to head for the door.

The prostitute yells at him again, "Hey you'll have to pay for that. I'm a prostitute". She gets up and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows the koala the definition.

PROSTITUTE
(n) a person receiving payment for sexual services.
The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the definition of koala bear.

KOALA
(n.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves.


Chinese Cure

Lang Chow calls work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Lang Chow, I really need you today, when I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex, that makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Lang Chow calls again, "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon, by the way you've got a lovely house."


A Story Of The Heart

An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.
After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.

She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".

The old guy says "God, I hope so, cause you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen."


You've got to hand it to those Aussie's

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans' penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussie's didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly two hours of intensive research and a cost of right around $25.00 ( 3 cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from slipping off when you're wanking.


Guilt

A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there were only 3 survivors:

Damian, David and Donna.

They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Donna felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing.

She felt having sex with both Damian and David was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but Damian and David managed to get through it and, after a while nature once more took its inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and David began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing

so ......... They buried her.


Kids Don't Lie

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big tits."


Dublin Air

One day, shortly after having her 9th baby, the good Irish lady ran into her parish priest. He congratulated her on the new offspring then said, "Isn't having nine babies a little much?"

"Well," she said, "I don't know why I get pregnant so often, it must be something in the air."

"Yes," said the priest, "your legs!"


Razorbacks

The president got off the helicopter in front of the
White House with a baby hog under each arm.  The
Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said,
"Nice pigs, sir".  The president replied, "These are
not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback hogs.
I got one for Hillary and I got one for Chelsea."
The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and
replied, "Nice trade, sir."


Shopping

A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects some milk, some eggs, a carton of juice, and a package of bacon. As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a drunk standing behind her in line watches her place the four items on the belt and states with assurance, "You must be single." The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual about her selection says, "That's right. How on earth did you know?" He replies,

"Because you're so fucking ugly."




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